No dra.ma Mama

As your typical middle child (I am #2 of 4 kids), I attempt to shy away from confrontation of any kind and preferred to stick my head in a hole. I prefer to ignore, gloss over, and/or run away from any sort of confrontation as it makes me intensely uncomfortable.

This week has made my un-confrontational self very uncomfortable. First, in the real world, I'm in a Facebook Mom's group that a Mom had, K, created. She created the group as a means to invite people over to her house on Tuesdays for a playdate, but it quickly morphed into more than that: a place to plan various meet-ups (pot-lucks at people's houses), moms' night outs, etc. She still hosts the weekly playdate at her house, but only 4-5 of the 10 members regularly attend. K got sick of people not coming and decided to kick 3 of them out of the group, 2 of which were my friends prior to this group's creation. K told us she was doing this, and actually deleted them from the group while we were at her house. But, she is the only one with admin rights and a few of us responded with shocked faces and a "are you sure?."

The two other moms I am close to in the group texted each other that night and felt awful that she had done this and FB messaged the deleted members that this was not a group decision, we felt horrible, we still liked them and would like to hang out with them in the future. I left with a bad taste in my mouth about the whole thing, uneasy about my relationship with K, and her whole power trip about the group. Also - when would she find it necessary to delete me or the other remaining members? When is my turn on the chopping block? Or one of my other friends? The whole thing just felt ridiculous, hurtful, childish, and lacked simple human compassion.

Unsurprisingly, the Moms who were deleted were left hurt and confused, wondering if they had done something wrong, why we all didn't like them anymore. Two of them left it be, one messaged K back a strongly worded message about how ridiculous it was, which it turn, K posted the exchange of strongly worded messages back and forth on the FB group saying that the deleted Mom was being ridiculous.

I got increasingly more upset and uncomfortable with the whole situation. I eventually created a new secret face.book group, titled the "No Dra.ma Mam.as" that included the deleted members, the two other members of the old group that I know were uncomfortable with K's actions, and a few new members. I hate doing this, I hate staging a secret sort of revolt, but who wants to be a part of a group that makes you feel like you're not good enough to be a member or you have to do certain things to be worthy of involvement? I fear that doing this puts me on the same level as K, but I felt there was a wrong to make right, and I knew no amount of attempting to reason with K would get her to see the error of her ways. I can tell she's stubborn, manipulative, and a confrontation would get me nowhere (not to mention I hate doing it). I also know that K is a bit of a loose cannon and there's no telling what she's capable of.

My plan as of now is to try to slowly phase out of being friends with her over a month or so and by attending group at her house less and less. The group is sure to fade anyways as K is 18 weeks pregnant again and will soon be caring for both a newborn and a young toddler. I'm not sure what else to do. I don't feel good about it, but I feel better doing this than pretending nothing happened and continuing to go to her place on Tuesdays. I don't know. I've even considered using the IF card and telling her her growing belly is hurtful for me (which it hasn't been so far), but hey, if this is the one time I can use this to my advantage, why not?

Another thing that's got me uncomfortable are the "Mommy wars" on the internet. I've silently watched as what TIME started is echoing back and forth on the interwebs. This morning I've noticed seen multiple posts and comments from internet friends I respect going back and forth on Natural Parenting. (See: Kait's post, the other baby book, Prairie plate and little chicken nugget. All written by (or associated with) bloggers I respect and admire immensely.

Sigh.

Can't we all get along? Can't we all not be offended that we parent our unique children differently, that we all have different abilities, strengths, weaknesses, and situations that create diverse parenting techniques? None of us are perfect. All of us are good Moms. We all try our very best and we're all in need of support and understanding. No one is right or wrong. {I really and truly believe that, not just because I hate fighting.}

Different strokes for different folks.

the one where I almost deleted my blog

I've been thinking a lot about this infertility journey, how it affected me and left an everlasting mark on me that will never go away. For the most part, the effects are positive these days. I'm forever grateful for my son, so in awe and thankful for his very existence. I still can't believe he's here and I'm lucky enough to be his mama. He's over a year old now. An entire, blissful, wonderful year of being a Mom.

We had an amazing weekend of celebrating Cheeks. Hubs and I threw him a huge party, and it was just so incredible and heart-warming to have so many friends and family over that love him as much as we do.

The family left, we cleaned up from the birthday bash, and sat down for a late meal on Sunday night and I checked my phone. I received this comment on my February post about jealousy:

"I've been trying for going on 2 yrs... In that time I have seen numerous people I know get pregnant and have a child. Never once have I cursed them or even thought twice about how happy I am for them. What is really sad is that you have a child yet still gripe! I don't have one neither do thousands of women. One day I will, whether with adoption or on my own. I have no doubt in that. I do however have pcos and possible blocked tubes. I do not have the financial means to do ivf or even IUIs right now.... You have a child..... Be grateful and stop bitching that others have it easy! Be happy they don't have issues because as we all know, it's not fun! And just FYI your becoming one of those people you talk so badly about!"

My heart sank and tears welled up as I read these words. I felt like the most ungrateful, disgusting bag of crap that ever lived. Why did I ever feel that way? Why could I not have been instantly happy for my friends during my journey like this anon IFer? Why, even after I had my sweet boy in my arms, was I grappling with anger and jealousy? I still don't completely understand why I had the reaction I did to an innocent picture.

I quickly got on my computer and removed the post. I tweeted about it:


"Just got a very mean anonymous comment on my blog on a post about jealousy from Feb. I'm taking the post down"


"I hate that those comments make me feel like a horrible person. I'm not proud that I've been jealous or found things difficult."

I took down the post temporarily because I haven't felt those feelings in months, probably since that post. I was ashamed I ever had these unpleasant feelings. I considered deleting my blog altogether, if it only makes me feel bad about myself, what's the point of it? It was originally created as my safe place to talk, unfiltered, about my frustrations, complicated feelings during my infertility journey. If it's no longer that, then what is it for? If I get attacked for venting or feeling what I feel, my deepest, darkest thoughts that I'm not proud of and putting it out there, why do it?

Thankfully, twitter reminded me why I should write about the difficult stuff and strongly urged me to keep the post up.


"You aren't horrible because you have feelings you aren't proud of. You are brave for putting it it there. You deserve that too." 


"I encourage you not to remove the post. Others will find solace that you felt similar things to what they feel."


"Just saying you feel shitty about it is HUGE. You deserve your feelings, good and bad. I read you for a long time...you helped me."


"the people who say they've never felt jealousy are LYING.
I agree 100%- we all feel 'bad' emotions- jealousy, envy, anger- part of real life
what a wonderful thing for you (and one day me) to teach your children so that they can feel more ok feeling all things"


I have some seriously wise and supportive friends (thanks to C, lilchickennugget, lulu, and missohkay). I write for myself, but I also write about my journey to help other women struggling through their own infertility journey. I am so glad that I have been that person for others. The happy stuff (which, friends, on this side of things, there is plenty of) isn't as important for me to dissect here as the hard feelings I come across while parenting after IF.

The pain of infertility waxes and wanes over time ~ I'm definitely in a good place right now and soaking up every ounce of happiness and love that comes with my happy toddler. I'm looking down the pike at having another baby, which I know will bring a whole new group of difficult feelings to deal with. Today, I feel strong, hopeful, and happy.

that's me. in my #hope tee

I write about the hard stuff because there are still hard feelings to deal with - life isn't perfect, and neither am I. I put the old post back up, and though I'm not proud of those feelings, I'm glad I wrote that post and had those feelings if it helps anyone else who is dealing with similar situations and reactions. I'm a happy person, and I am happy for my friends that have had babies this year. I love their babies and I'm happy that they didn't have to go through what I did to get them, though I still have to deal with the old scars and sift through a lot of complex emotions at times that I don't even understand. I try my hardest to be there for my friends and be happy for them, but it's not always easy. That's why I have this space - so I can deal with my emotions healthfully here - before reacting poorly in the real world.

Thank you to all who have been supportive of me through these last three years. I hope this continues to be a safe place for me to vent as I go on to TTC #2 and a helpful place for other IFers.

One.

My son turned one yesterday! I'm tired from all the excitement, but I wanted to write a quick picture post to share all the fun from Cheeks' first birthday.

We had a big (my brother counted 63 people at one point!) but casual party at our little townhouse to celebrate the occasion. I had a great time planning the party, preparing food, and putting together pictures to display to remember Cheeks' first year.

smash cake! Made by me and decorated by C + me

me and the birthday boy

cupcakes!

a beautiful drum cake, made by my mother-in-law :-)

banner, photo collage (on our normal pic), and monthly shots

tissue paper pom-poms!

the food spread!

our garage decorated and filled with tables for our 63 guests!

proud Grandpa - aka grillmaster

juice for the kids

birthday boy before the party really got going.

first touch of the icing.

digging in.

loving it!

om nom nom nom

post-cake bliss!

our little family! the birthday boy is tired after all of the activity 

I'm glad we had a party to celebrate our little man turning one. I'm so incredibly grateful for this little boy. It's been amazing watching him grow this year. I can't wait to see what the next year holds. Many thanks to our friends and family for helping us celebrate Cheeks' first birthday!

(regular monthly update most coming)

Ready to wean

I'm ready to be done breast-feeding. I said it. I hate admitting it. I feel guilty about wanting it to end, but I'm tired.  I'm tired of wearing ill-fitting nursing bras that offer little support. I'm tired of my right boob being enormous and my left looking like a saggy sack of crap (I'm seriously dealing with at least a two cup difference over here - C and DD). I'm tired of not being able to do anything in the morning before feeding the baby. I'm tired of wearing clothing that constantly lends itself to ease of nursing, making most dresses unwearable. I'm tired of sharing my body with another human, 1 year and nine months is a long time (pregnancy and breast-feeding). I'm tired of sore nipples, getting kicked and clawed. I'm ready to have my body be mine again, even for just a few months before I start treatments to TTC#2. I want to give my body the best chance at conceiving before going back to the RE - and that means not breastfeeding.

I've cherished our breast-feeding relationship. I've loved the sweet moments when Cheeks gently strokes my chest while he's feeding. I've loved how much nursing soothes and relaxes him. I'll miss having this connection with him that no one else has. I love that I've been able to nourish him for the first year of his life.

But I don't want to remember breast-feeding Cheeks as something that I forced myself to do and didn't enjoy at the end. Our sessions these days are sporadic, not always unpleasant, but it's not uncommon for him to constantly kick me or pull my hair while nursing. Having a 26 pound child claw at your chest or holding him while nursing and he kicks you (and this kid is strong) is not the most pleasant thing in the world. It's the exception these days that he's sweet and calm - usually only during the first feed of the day. Those are the times I will really miss - when he's quiet and contently suckling while I sleepily take him in.

It's so emotional - weaning him in a way means he's not a baby anymore. As of May 19th, he won't be anymore regardless and the kid is walking anyways. It's letting go of a very integral part of his life - something we've done thousands of times before. I'm scared of how life will be and parenting will be without the boob, though I know that we will figure it out. He requests nursing less and less, sometimes only twice a day, so I'm hopeful we're headed to weaning completely, but the kid won't take milk out of a sippy cup, bottle, or anything else from me. He eventually does if I leave him with someone else for long periods but he has to be really desperate. He is doing great with solids, takes water without an issue, but a majority of his liquid intake is still breast milk.

How can I make this transition the least painful and disorienting for both of us? Tips, anyone?

RE Consult Recap

We had a consult with our original RE today to go over the most recent test results and set up a game plan for trying to get pregnant with baby number two. She ordered three tests for me: FSH, AMH, and an ultrasound on day three of my cycle to get an antral follicle count.

The results are:

Day 3 FSH: 11.6 (a bit higher than my last highest FSH, but not by much)

AFC: 23

AMH: 2.7

2/3 of the results are good - my AFC is normal and my AMH is normal. My FSH is not normal. Based on this, the RE no longer believes we're dealing with an ovarian reserve issue, as she did before. This is definitely good news. I felt weight lift off my shoulders as I'm not battling against my biological clock as much as I felt I was. But it still leaves me confused (and my doctor) as to what the root problem is. I seem to have plenty of eggs, but something is definitely not working as it should.

The game plan suggested by the doctor: if by July we're not pregnant on our own, come back to repeat my saline sonogram to check for scar tissue from the c-section, my tubes (they haven't been checked since the ectopic), and the general health of the ole ute. They'll also repeat some other standard blood test on both hubs and I (standard STD tests for both, TSH, prolactin, etc for me), and hubs will need to redo his semen analysis. Then we can pursue treatments if we want - low-dose gonadatrophins/IUI instead of clomid this time.

My doctor was hopeful today about us having another baby. It's strange to let myself feel this hope again, to allow myself to dream of having a second child when I'm still amazed and flabbergasted that the first one was ever conceived in the first place. 

The uncertainty of this all is difficult for me to wrap my head around - how do I jump into this again when the first round was such a shit show? The only change is we would be make gonadatrophins instead of clomid - how much will this help? Will treatments only get me loss like it did the last time? The only way to know the answer to these questions is to try.

First step: Operation get Cheeks off the Boob. Research (Anyone have tips on how to get FSH down?) Do the tests in July. Then wait until the fall to start any treatments. At least that's what I'm thinking today. 

I'm just so relieved that as a whole, my ovarian reserve looks pretty good. I just wish I knew what the underlying issue to my fertility troubles is. I guess I'm back to the unexplained category? Sigh.

She-Baby Shenanigans

To the always entertaining Oak:

Josey organized this sweet online shower of sorts to celebrate you and that precious little She-baby of yours! I'm happy to participate in the shenanigans, I just wish it could be a *real* party we all could meet each other face-to-face, drink a bit too much, and laugh til our sides hurt. (I guess this would be after she-baby arrives :-))

Oak, I've enjoyed your hysterical posts and your sweet and supportive comments over the past two years or so since we've found each other in this lil corner of the internet (how has it been that long?). I love your posts on Mac and our emails comparing our blonde, blue-eyed, abnormally large, incredibly sweet, look-alike baby boys (though they're not really babies any more are they?). Your sense of humor and positive attitude are infectious. I wish I would have kept up with reading and been more supportive through the rough times during this pregnancy, but I'm always rooting for you and try to keep up with your hilarity as much as possible. You're one of those bloggers that every time I read one of your posts. I think, man, I wish I was that funny and interesting.

Anyways! This is about you and that little girl of yours! So happy for you and I can't wait til this sweetie is in your arms after a long and trying pregnancy. I wanted to find your She-Baby a onesie to sport when she finally makes her grand entrance. This was difficult...there are a lot of super-princessy girly onesies out there and for some reason (and maybe I'm wrong), I don't really think that's your style. I finally found a cute, sweet one on Etsy that I love and I hope you do, too.

Coming soon to your doorstep (directly from the Etsy seller since I just ordered it tonight...sorry, a bit tacky, I know...):

Your daughter is going to <3 her strong, funny, and sweet mama. And her big brother, Mac, too. Congrats, Oak!

xo,

AL

Don't Ignore...

Don't...

...ignore your friends and family who suffer from infertility. Don't pretend that because you can't see their scars physically, that they don't exist.

...assume that infertiles are people who waited "too long" to try to have children. Infertility presents itself in all ages, races, religions, social and economic statuses. 1 in 8 couples suffer from infertility.

...think that once your friends or family who battled infertility had a child, they are suddenly healed. Infertility leaves a lasting mark on the people who suffer from it, changing them forever. Baby showers, "oops" babies, pregnant bellies, and pregnancy announcements may always be difficult to deal with. Be understanding and supportive of them.

...belittle your friend's pain. Don't tell them to "just relax" or "just adopt" or "just do IVF" - there is no easy answer. All resolutions to infertility are paths with their own obstacles and strains, both financially and emotionally. A simple answer is sometimes best: "I'm so sorry. This sucks and it isn't fair." or "I hate that you're dealing with this." Offer a distraction to those in the trenches, a night out, a spa day.

...think you know what your friends who suffer from infertility need. It's okay to ask them, it's welcomed to reach out and let them know you're thinking of them. Email them to ask them how you want them to support them, how you can help when they're going through a rough time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The best thing you can do for a friend or family member suffering from infertility is become an advocate about infertility yourself. Donate to Resolve. Participate in events that raise money help build families. Talk about infertility and NIAW (National Infertility Awareness Week) on Facebook and Twitter. Stand up against personhood movements. Help spread the word and fight for your friends and family.

Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.
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